The Paralysis Paradox

I had quite a crappy day yesterday. It was one of  those days where at the start I wanted to do loads of things, I wanted to move forward, I wanted to achieve something, and at the end of the day I'd done exactly nothing.

One of the causes was a technical issue with iTunes - I basically had to de-install and reinstall it, and my computer's super slow, so it took about three hours and truckloads of frustration.

The other thing, though, is that sometimes this project I'm on can be really exhausting. I'd call it job hunting, but that's not even really what it is at this stage. I'm not looking for a paid job - I'm looking for ways to build up enough experience to eventually get the paid job I want. You'd think that's easier, but it's really more difficult, because there are no prescribed routes to take, no five-step plan you can follow. It's a constant search, a never-ending question. If I do this, will it help me? Will this take too much effort and time for too little result? Is anything I'm doing getting me anywhere at all?

That last question is the most frustrating one. When you're applying for opportunities, or trying to gain online skills, or researching companies, you're spending a lot of time without seeing any direct result. That makes it hard to stay motivated at times, and it also makes it incredibly difficult to explain to other people what it is you're doing. I find I easily get annoyed when people ask me what I'm up to, because there is no simple answer at the moment. Yesterday I got so frustrated I ended up doing nothing at all and just feeling stupid.

It's a paradox. I chose to build my own path this year, to do something different, to stop studying and find other ways of learning. I thought that would be very exciting, and it is. But every now and then the insecurity that comes along with it is too much, even for me. It can become very paralysing instead of motivating.

I guess that's just part of the whole learning experience though - we all end up in unpredictable or insecure situations in our lives at times, and we need to deal with them as best we can. Sometimes I just really wonder why I deliberately chose to put myself in such an incredibly undesirable situation. I'm starting to see why people might think I'm mad.

Luckily, there's still a little voice in my head that says, "Prove 'em wrong". It just needs to yell a bit louder sometimes.